A greatly disappointing 5th film in the Alien franchise (also the third in the Predator series), Alien Vs Predator makes a mockery of the intense and ruthless alien creatures defined in the films Alien and Predator. Far from the macabre masterpieces of the original films, this mishmash of comic book lore and subplots is an insult to the viewer and an insult to Ridley Scott and James Cameron.

A group of scientists and adventurers are pawns in a diabolical “right of passage” when they are sent to the depths of Antarctica to explore an ancient pyramid. Gathered together by industrialist billionaire Charles Bishop Weyland (Lance Henriksen) and lead by survivalist Alexa Woods (Sanaa Latham), the unsuspecting group ventures into an icy trap. Predators purposefully lure pray for alien eggs so that they can duel within the labyrinthine corridors of the icy monolith. What follows are some of the mildest scenes of action and alien violence imaginable.

One by one the human fodder is ushered into lonesome passageways and claustrophobic tunnels to meet offscreen demises that we can only assume are horrendous. A spattering of action sequences is well-choreographed and at rare moments I sometimes am able to ignore the shape of a man in a rubber suit. But when predators swing aliens around their heads like lassos, it’s easy to forget that either creature could actually exist in the nightmarish premises once imagined by surrealist H.R. Giger and visionary director Ridley Scott.

Reduced to mere PG-13 frolicking animals, both the Aliens and Predators have never been so un-scary and un-cool. Even the Alien Queen is nothing more than a rip-off of Jurassic Park’s T-Rex. It seems that even after Sigourney Weaver finally gave up the lead role resolutely, the copyright holders wished to capitalize on pre-sold audiences. When will it all end? Probably never, considering Alien Vs Predator 2 will be released Christmas 2007. While the plotlines continued to diminish after Cameron’s original sequel, I never expected the once horrifying and bloodthirsty creatures to clash in overly bland battles diluted by the decision to purge all forms of mature content. Director Paul W.S. Anderson is surprisingly timid with such influences, considering his repertoire contains harsher fare like Soldier and Event Horizon. Despite outstanding computer animation and practical special effects, the Aliens and Predators have never looked so ridiculously harmless.

- Mike Massie